Chapter 2: Why I Chose to Poison Myself

(CW: unedited stream-of-consciousness)

I think I might have glutened myself because earlier my partner and I were talking about the ethics of change, and how or if we should ascribe a morality to it (when talking about change to nature). Animals in their own environments change them (beavers, etc). Not all changes humans make to environments make them worse (pollinator gardens with endangered indigenous plants). Somehow we jumped and hit upon the decision that it's morally correct to k* ll a nazi in cold blood if they're walking around announcing it with a patch or flag or whatever, even though technically it's unlawful. Then that we both think ultimately it was wrong to use the data collected by nazi scientists who experimented on Jews. So we learn about how to treat frostbite and all sorts of things like that? It just sets the bar and announces that if the endresult is good enough, you really CAN do whatever the fuck you want. we should've burned all that data. Also, jesus fuck why didn't we bomb a group of Japanese warships to see what happened before moving to an area with civilians? And yeah the war had to be won. My grandfather was already over there fighting and was already ordered to invade Japan like the week after the bombs were dropped (but then they were dropped so. Yeah. Didn't need to.) I literally would probably not exist if we hadn't bombed Japan. BUT WE DIDN"T EVEN TRY a military-only target first. Like what the fuck. I'd rather not exist if it means we'd at least TRIED going after military-only targets first. and so much of my heart belongs in Japan and to Japan because of my experiences with the language and being there twice after the Tohoku earthquake and tsunami and just... I had to have one of those goddamn bento dinners. I didn't even get katsu, though my mouth was watering for it, remembering eating o-bento after a long day of digging dead people's dishes out of live farmer's fields and the weight we carried in our bodies and souls from that. There's soy sauce in the 4 bites of what I just ate, and soy sauce usually has gluten. But those four bites almost made me cry because of the love (and sadness) they seized from my memories and forced into my focus.

And if I start having an allergic reaction shortly, me--the one who is usually too terrified to eat more than a piece of fruit and a rice cake in a day lest I gluten myself accidentally--me; I will consider it all joy.

Fuck, I'm sorry.

--Photo: TOHOKUKANKO